The Art of Livin Apr. 24th

 Matthew McConaughey..... As usual you nailed it. In fact where is my affiliate button? I listened, I was inspired. 

But the problem is I've reached alot of those milestones at only 42. Your right, I'm looking for purpose.... but my disection of myself comes from 8yrs of sitting alone with myself. Ya, it's as fucking miserable as it sounds. SANITY is definitely tested. But I guarantee you being sick will test every part of you and 100's of parts you, you didn't think you had.

So I don't need to evaluate my wrongs. I know what they are. And Jesus there are plenty. I take ownership. I need to find purposes in waking up in pain every day and still finding purpose in living. I need to accept that after 8yrs of fighting these Doctors. I may have a diagnosis but my state says because crack heads abuse drugs I will never know if pain medication would ever even help. Instead they overdose me with a seizure medication that reeks havic on my brain and body. They use it for pain, and in return it creates and exacerbates my learning disability and my brain quits. It's infeareating. How do you work around that? No one diagnosed me as a child with my learning disability. Probably for many reasons. But it taught me to find a way AROUND ANYTHING not necessarily by choice but when you don't understand your boss's instructions you ask again once... maybe twice. Absolutely not a third time. So you figure it out. And not only do you figure it out you go above and beyond to compensate just I'm case. That's how you get the raise, the promotion. You never quit and you never make an excuse.

I want to find a way to escape my mentality abusive marriage I've felt trapped in for 20 yrs. 

I've spent the last 9yrs punishing myself for getting sick and not being able to find a fix. Why? Because I'm a fixer. 

That has got to be the thing I let go. I have to forgive myself for getting sick.

I also love a person a person (as something close to a sexual BFF friend) who I can't decide if it's because I think together we could rule the world. Or because I'm conditioned to choose the men that don't really want me. They want to use parts and piece of me. The excuse are excuses. I need to stop keeping my blinders on. I can give leaway where it's needed. 

But when that person is the one that all you want to do is talk to them, just to say hi even. You know you got a thing.. Effort. Even slight. A man who can tell you how he feels about you even admiting or using the word love for friendship cannot compare to what you mean to a man that can tell you strait from the heart without his stupid filter with all honesty is in valuable.  An answer of I'm not sure what the future holds, tells you are probably not in it. I miss him tonight. That's all I can say. I'm sad. Over and out.